Hateration

Hateration. I like that word. I think we need more words like it. I be havin’ self-hateration.

As usual, I’m having trouble falling asleep. My thoughts just keep running in circles like a hamster on a wheel. I thought writing about it might help.

I haven’t posted much lately. I can’t summon the… will… the… interest to do it. Apathy springs to mind, as does futility.

Things are just so… not… right. I lay thinking and thinking and wishing for it all just to stop. I think about that a lot. I wonder why it disturbs people so much. I wonder, if I ever figure out things exactly the way I want them to be, if it would happen. I wonder if it’s cowardly of me to think about it instead of just getting on with ‘normalcy’, or if it’s cowardly of me to not just get on with it. I think about the things that other people do in the name of ‘living’ and I wonder why. Why suffer, why force yourself to do thing you dislike, why fight to be healthy, deny pleasures, work out, fight through debilitating diseases. What does it get you in the end? Certainly not immortality.

I just want a simple step back into the shadows and ‘Poof!’. No muss, no fuss, no stress or mess. Just… fade out…

I think about how painful…unpleasant… hurtful things are right now. Why is it so wrong to wish for it to end? Why does everyone say, “Just go on, it’ll get better”? When? It hasn’t in the last thirty years. How long am I supposed to wait?

Then I think how pathetic and weak and whiney that sounds. I don’t know. What’s right? What’s wrong? I can’t tell any more.